Sacre Bleu! The French joke

Every World Cup needs a fairytale, and some farce. This morning the game between France and South Africa nearly provided both. Sadly the fairytale of South Africa qualifying for the next round didn't quite get over the line, with Bafana Bafana, as the SA team is called, falling short on goal difference.

The French however, have provided plenty of farce. It is difficult to find words strong enough to sufficiently condemn the French side, without slipping into language that Nicolas Anelka himself would be proud of. The French press will vent an astounding amount of anger on the players, the coach and football association over the coming weeks, and rightly so.

Throughout the world, but in particular in Europe, executive pay and banking bonuses have been under intense scrutiny for years now. Yet footballers earn salaries thought would make investment bankers blush, and on the whole this is tolerated. The reason they do not incite the rage that executives do probably has a lot to do with the fact that every four years nations send out their footballers and expect them to do the country proud. Winning isn't required, but competing with honour and dignity is expected.

Particularly in the honour category, footballers may sometimes fall short, but no team has ever been as great a source of embarrassment as the French national side of 2010. Before the tournament even began they were under a cloud, after they secured their qualification through a blatant act of cheating. In that fateful playoff game against the Irish, deep into extra time Thierry Henry saw a ball flying past him and out of the field for an Irish goal kick. Instead of letting it go he stuck his hand out and slapped the ball down, not once, which may have been instinct, but twice, which was definitely a conscious act. Once he had the ball down it was easy to square it past a stunned Irish defence to a surprised team mate who tapped the ball into the goal.

Henry later claimed he went straight to the Irish players and apologised, but the television footage told a different story, showing him gleefully celebrating with his team mates.

Having stolen Ireland's place at the World Cup, the least they could have done is put the spot to good use. Instead they shamed themselves further before the tournament even began. It was revealed that several members of the team were under police investigation for their use of under age prostitutes while on national team duty. Converted Muslim and married man Frank Ribery - who wrangled a pay rise out of his club, Bayern Munich, by insisting his wife wanted to move to warmer climes in Spain - defended his actions by saying he didn't know they were underage.

Having arrived at the tournament under this level of scrutiny, some nerves may have been forgivable, as they displayed in their opening game. But the tepid defeat in their second group match revealed deeper problems. At half time, it was reported, Nicolas Anelka told the coach 'Go Fuck yourself, you son of a whore'. Two things I can't help but mention here.

Ironically, it was the son of a whore comment, allegedly, that so enraged Zinedine Zidane that he headbutted Marco Matterazzi during the last World Cup. Why must these footballers always go for women, and mothers to boot? Raymond Domenech is an idiot, but I don't know what his mother had to do with anything.

Secondly, Anelka's comment did give rise to the best bit of coverage of the tournament I have seen on American television. They are very uptight about swear words on television in America - even late at night any swear word in a movie is beeped out or voiced over. At about 11am, ESPN interviewed a french reported about trouble in the French camp and asked him what had happened - live on air. He responded

'well, Nicola Anelka, ee was un'appy with the coach, when ee asked im to play more deep, and ee said Go to fuck yourself you son of a whore.'

Cue pale faces, followed by profuse apologies from the ESPN broadcasters. Juergen Klinsmann, one of the host panel, was kept out of screen, but you could hear him giggling in the background.

Back to the french though. After that outburst, Anelka was sent home. Then, the team, in protest over this decision, refused to train on the day before their last game. The fitness coach walked out, and another official resigned in disgust, over the protest, rather than the sacking. So instead of focusing on their last game, which they needed to win by several goals to have a chance of going through, the French players descended into bickering and farce.

Inevitably, they tamely surrendered to South Africa, losing 2-1 this morning. A side containing players from Manchester United, Chelsea, Bayern Munch, Real Madrid, Barcelona and Arsenal left the World Cup with two losses and one draw, and one single goal. What a joke. This will have repercussions for French football for a generation. Football fans are like all other people, and they will not like being treated with such contempt by their own side. How must those fans who forked out thousands of euros to fly to South Africa and follow their team feel? Its not that they lost, they didn't even try. If the German side behaved like this I would have to find a new sport to follow. It would hardly be a surprise if at the next game of Les Bleus they found themselves in an empty stadium.

Fortunately, a new coach is coming in. He will have little choice but to drop the entire squad, at least for a while. New Zealand have shown at this world cup that a second string side of lower quality players with heart and pride is still immensely preferable to selecting a bunch of talented millionaires who, apparently, just don't care.

Tomorrow sees Groups C and D reach their conclusion, and could see the first major upsets of the tournament. Both England and Germany need to win to ensure they reach the second round. England have looked very bad in their first two games, but should surely find the spark they need to beat Slovenia. Germany have looked decent, despite the loss to Serbia, but face a tougher test in the form of Ghana. If both make it through, there is a high chance that the two will meet each other in the next round. This will cause an uproar in England, where the usual tedious chants of 'two world wars and one world cup' will start again (question for English supporters - would you prefer no world wars but three world cups? be honest). In Germany the response will be more restrained. Everyone loves a win in the World Cup, but the Germans get far more excited about games against Holland. Probably because Germany have lost important games to Holland here and there, while they haven't lost to England at a tournament since the 1966 final.

If you want to read about Germany rivalry with Holland and England, here is a great article by a guy called Uli Hesse - the best English language (but clearly German origin) sports writer I know of.